Written by Claire Everard (she/her)
When we hear the term ‘self-respect’ used in relation to sex, it is often when being utilised to hem in sexuality and sexual freedom, encouraging archaic attitudes of shame around sex. The insidious phrase pops up in our education, in gossip and discussion with friends, establishing an expectation to limit your sexual partners and keep your sexuality only within the bedroom. However, in a sex-positive era, a new definition is now required, one that encourages self-care in sex, to build self-esteem and create sexual experiences that are fun, safe and happy. Here are a few ways in which we can alter our behaviour around sex to make for more positive exploits in the future!
Use your voice
Communication during sex can be difficult. Whether it’s out of fear of spoiling the mood, or embarrassment at hearing your own voice saying that word, poor communication can create a bad experience for all parties involved. If something is happening that you aren’t comfortable with, you must speak up and let your partner know. Just because it seems like something they’re enjoying, or they want, doesn’t mean it has to happen. Sometimes, certain positions one partner enjoys can be painful for the other, and it is easy to feel pressured into putting up with something to impress them. Your partner is not necessarily doing this on purpose; sex is a learning experience for everyone, every time, and this presents an opportunity in which you can learn more about each other! Identifying what you do and don’t want establishes boundaries within which you both feel comfortable and, if the situation arises, can be a good conversation to have even before anything takes place, preventing the potential awkwardness of ‘surprise! Your partner is really into feet!’.
When you stop letting people who are unkind to you or make you feel embarrassed or unattractive into your sexual life, you can start to establish a healthier relationship with sex.
It takes two!
The ever-elusive reciprocation is a common problem in heterosexual sex particularly as, raised and educated by mainstream porn, an industry that highlights a man’s sexual pleasure as the ultimate goal, some men don’t feel a need to give back and their partners may feel too shy to insist on it. Although, issues of giving and receiving can exist in any relationship. This is another place your voice comes in handy! Following sexual experiences where pleasure seems like a one-way system, you can be left wondering ‘why am I even here?’. If you’re having sex without your own pleasure, that isn’t sex. That’s someone using your body to masturbate. So, demand it! Encourage longer foreplay, move their hand where it needs to be and assert your place in this experience.
All the right reasons.
We all have that person. Someone who we keep going back to no matter how many times our friends sigh at us for it, but they’re sighing for a reason. When you stop letting people who are unkind to you or make you feel embarrassed or unattractive into your sexual life, you can start to establish a healthier relationship with sex. Often, we can use sex as an emotional crutch, turning it into a means to assure yourself you’re wanted and desired, or to try to hold onto someone we know we should let go of, worsening those feelings of low sexual self-esteem. Thus, it’s important to remind yourself that the sex you’re having has no reflection on your self-worth, and start asking if, in this situation, you’re having sex for the right reasons.
I hope this article provides some scope with which to reflect on your own experiences and move forward to having sex that places your own safety, care and comfort at the forefront. Writing this has certainly inspired some resolutions of my own, ones that I hope to stick to AFTER the government deems it safe!
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